When I was little my mom had this stuff called No More Tangles®. I think it was Johnson & Johnson. It came in a spray bottle with a picture of a little girl with thick silky long hair on the front with her attractive mother combing her ponytail. They were both smiling beautific smiles. Goffman would have had a field day.  Anyway, you spritzed it on your hair when it was wet and – allegedly – it took all those snarly, knotted tangles right out without having to tear your hair out by the roots. 

I just got off the phone with my on-again-off-again-non-boyfriend and got to thinking about No More Tangles®.  Wouldn’t it be loverly (in the words of dear Eliza D.) to have a No More Tangles® for your life? Quick, I need a patent! A serum you could just smooth onto whatever area of life you are having problems – in relationships, at work, at home, with friends –  in that would just straighten it all out when you  ran a comb through it?  Because unfortunately, in real life, we are stuck with working through the knots all by ourselves, sorting and untangling different strands until they have some semblance of tidiness. 

My non-boyfriend, who we will call Country Boy, is my polar opposite.  I am a socially liberal English major, from Western Washington who loves shopping and shoes and reading and Rilke.  He is a gun- and fishing pole-toting, conservative redneck from Eastern Washington getting his master’s in environmental engineering and enjoys hunting, fishing, and four-wheeling and hasn’t read a work of fiction in his life.  Other than in high school when he read “The Great Gatsby” and called Daisy Buchanan “Daisy Boo-chan-in-in.”  He calls a novel a “chapter book.”   The only things we had in common was Bush light tallboys, quick tempers, and the fact that we make each other laugh.  We dated for one tempestuous year, living together until I graduated from college and moved away.  Since then, our non-relationship has been a swinging pendulum of jealous rages, confessions of love and hopes for the future, and then sighs of “I just don’t know…”. 

It is exhausting. I don’t want to do it anymore but nor do I want to give up on him…I don’t think? I’m so confused….I don’t know what to do anymore.  Maybe if there was a No More Tangles® for relationships it would help me out but maybe it would just make things come out the way they were not supposed to…

Besides, whenever my mom used No More Tangles® on my hair, it always just made it greasy.


~ by Bitterroot Buttercup on August 21, 2009.

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